Epistle. To: Lady Kimono Clan

Don't you always want a little extra when you go and get the mail? Old school mail that is. The snail version. Hand delivered by someone walking in the neighborhoods. Something that's a complete surprise? Something otherwise tremendous that might be there amidst the usual junk and bills? Maybe that's a problem. Each day trying to imagine what could be there even though you know the odds are against it. Maybe that's a problem. But some item arriving from outside that you did not expect. But if it's there it's like a crazy hope to flush out the day. Maybe a postcard. Or some super coupon with your name on it and as you hold it in your hands just the touch of it is such that whatever else happens from that moment on you'll be enlivened by having it. Maybe for kicks - because that's what we're talking about - I'll put some cash in an envelope and mail it back to myself so one afternoon when I look and it's there I bingo and prove illusion is the truest behavior we have. Isn't release a consequence from having? Today I got this halcyon sounding letter asking me as a citizen to participate, "for pay", in a five hour project to evaluate presentations from a real lawsuit. The intention etc. is to come to a decision etc. in a project "where virtually everyone who has participated reports them to be extremely interesting, enjoyable, and worthwhile." Light lunch and refreshments were to be served. First I thought what were they serving and second what were they paying?  Light lunch seemed to a euphemism for meaning they're going to pull the buffet table away quickly and so in a pack of hungry fake litigants who needs that?  What does it mean  if you can't go for seconds and snag up some rolls or carrot sticks for the next day? Also I needed no expertise or qualifications. And they're paying for that! I did need to be able to listen and have a willingness to be fair. Well that's gonna cost extra! The money was okay but not great. You want my loyalty then there  should at least be a choice. Burger and fries and beverage preferably with malt. Crispy crab cakes and a hefty garden salad with fresh made croutons and a lemon squeeze. Grilled fish with couscous and bitter greens or killer stir fry with the onions just caramelized and those delicate spring rolls or those tiger rolls with hots and cream cheese or way deep fried egg rolls with a sweet sour tamari or blast your sinus mustard dipping sauce and not from jars bought by the carton at Home Despot. I'm not trying to be difficult. This just seemed like a weird professional exercise in trolling. In that you're supposed to be satisfied for the chance for having kicked in your two cents worth? Except to imply that having your own brain was something special but we know about that!  Don't get me wrong. But didn't we all get one? And wasn't this having a brain business just a credit anyway? I mean what do we have? We're living onward in an evolving world and a success at it because we're both dumb and smart simultaneously. That can't be a bad thing. It's kept us alive for millions of years. I showed the letter to the nurse. And she said well you're not going out of the house for that long anyway! And there it was. But she did have this idea. Tell them you'll do it for free she said. What's the point? Maybe they wont bother you she said. But what about the lunch I asked? You're not eating that much anyway she replied. I'll make you dinner some evening I said. And as soon as I said it I could tell the whole thing sounded coded. Like all the mathematics people behind the scenes use to drive all the social networks to bear fruit and that you on the receiving end never know the depths of the system you're using. She laughed. There wasn't the time. She had too many clients etc. But I said it's nothing really too bad to have your head in the clouds. That's how we are. Last night I said. What she said doing that great thing with her touch to a line of packing gauze soaked in bleach. A crater in the emotions maybe. Don't be silly she said. No I said I was lying in bed reading and listening to the music that seemed right in the windows upstairs but was drifting outdoors across the city and traveling from downtown. I thought about going. She frowned. Yea I know I said. But what if there were never another time? What if there were never another chance to go downtown on a Friday night? So what she said. What did you miss? A crowd beer and food vendors? Yea I said something like that. I felt left out. A portfolio of sighs. Sad thing she said. I don't want to be a ghost. Like hanging out in some former version. Earlier I said I watched Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Maybe like in the movie I was now a replica grown from some weird bubbling pod and the old body was nowhere in sight! But you know as long as there was music playing in the windows and as long as I didn't close those windows I was safe from being taken over and I knew that. But it really is tough to say at those moments tomorrow comes and forever in those moments you still doubt what you just said.